If you’re an indie filmmaker trying to get your project funded, then you know how difficult it is to make that happen. You’re going to encounter all sorts of people as you dig, scrape, and fight your way into production. You’ll meet a few good sources, but most of the time, you’ll run into indecisive moonlighters, aloof gamers, and this guy—the Hollywood wannabe. You know the type: insists he knows the industry inside and out, but has zero credits to his name, a busted-ass website full of iStock images (probably not even paid for), and a Gmail address instead of a legit company email.
Let me tell you a little story about a run-in I had—brought to me as a credible funding source.
I get a call one late Thursday night from someone I knew, along with a guy who thinks he’s a producer. We’re talking about my upcoming film, THE MANUAL, a psychological action thriller. Somewhere between the name-dropping and the word-vomit, he drops an ultimatum if we want to get funded: I need to replace the director.
Who’s his choice?
Who does this “pro-level producer” with zero film credits think we need to land in order to make this movie happen?
None other than… Corey Feldman.
Now—no disrespect to Corey. But this ain’t exactly in his wheelhouse. It’s a military-laced action thriller with a political bite. Why not Andy Dick? He’s probably not available.
With zero credits of his own, this guy tears into some of my crew’s credits—which were actually substantial. But if he hadn’t heard of them, they were nobodies. That said, he also didn’t know who Jensen Ackles was either. So… yeah.
After the most asinine two-hour conversation of my life, I called my managing producer. We had a laugh, but still did our due diligence. We waited for the go-between to send us this schmuck’s website.
That was the nail in the coffin.
The site was made up of iStock photos and placeholders. None of the links worked. Neither did the email address. This wasn’t looking good.
I contacted the go-between who brought this gem to my doorstep and filled her in on what we found—or didn’t find. No IMDb, no working site, nothing to prove this cat was who he claimed to be.
She addressed the issue and got back to me. Apparently, vetting this schmuck wasn’t allowed:
“I do the vetting. …we are the interviewer and the ones who need to screen. In simple business only the investor with the money has risk… Vetting us is like the high school kid telling Google they need to pursue him to hire him.”
Not sure what that last part meant, but you can see he’s a seasoned pro.
But yes—we do need to vet the investor to make sure he isn’t a wannabe or someone who might seek investors in unethical ways. There are rules to this kind of thing. You don’t take $300,000 from a person who doesn’t understand what the stakes are.
My reply was simple. I told him what the standard practices were and what we were willing to offer. I gave him options.
“…we have come too far and are overwhelmed in offers—since we are the ONLY real funding that actually funds projects.”
Yet he has zero record to prove it. No credits. No one knows who the fuck this guy is. But he knows everyone, and parties with Paris Hilton on the weekends.
Moral of the story:
We, as filmmakers, are always looking for funding. And yes—we need people who can bring in those investment dollars. But not at the expense of the project. And sure as hell not at the expense of questionable ethics. We have to stay on the level, or we open ourselves up to litigation—or worse.
So to the wannabe schmucks out there setting unrealistic “demands” for their involvement—
that shit ain’t gonna fly.
Expect to be investigated.
Come with receipts—not fantasies about who you claim to know.
Show us you’ve been in the industry longer than it took to print your homebrew business card.
If you’ve encountered these same kinds of parasites in your projects—whatever they might be—comment below. Let’s share the warning signs.
One last message from Schmucktastic:
“We also clearly mentioned we get EP or other credits we demand up-front, and not at all on performance.”
Yeah, he actually said that.